I hear people say all the time, "Why doesn't she just leave?" when they talk about toxic relationships and you've identified one of the most important factors: it wasn't all bad. He had a good side. That's what makes it so difficult. Thank you for sharing your story.
Deborah, one of the most heartbreaking aspects of this piece is that it captures how rarely these moments feel clear while we are living them. Looking back, the impulse is often to ask, "Why didn't I leave?" Yet the story itself answers that question. Hope, love, fear, loyalty, forgiveness, and the desire to believe someone can change are powerful forces, especially when they are intertwined. I was also struck by your willingness to wrestle with the complexity of the memories that followed. The question is not simply whether there was deception, but how to make sense of moments that felt genuine alongside truths that were not. Thank you for telling this part of your story with such honesty. I suspect many readers will recognize pieces of their own experience in the tension you describe.
Rev. Kevin, thank you so much for this incredibly kind and thoughtful comment, and for taking the time to read my story. It means so much. This especially resonated with me: "Hope, love, fear, loyalty, forgiveness, and the desire to believe someone can change are powerful forces, especially when they are intertwined." Thank you for seeing the heart of my story.
Deborah, I appreciate that. One reason the story feels so relatable is that people often judge past decisions using information they only gained later. In the moment, they are making sense of a relationship through the mixture of experiences, hopes, and evidence available to them at the time. That is why these stories are rarely about a single choice; they are about the tension between what we know, what we fear, and what we still hope might be true. Thank you again for writing with such honesty and nuance about a subject that is often reduced to much simpler explanations.
This shows exactly how the trap closes... the first breach, the denial, the apology loop, and the choice to stay because leaving felt scarier than staying. The scan back and forth between the model husband father image and the question of whether it was all a script is the confusion that keeps people stuck. That moment where she screams at her 21-year-old self to leave but stays is gutting.
Oh Dr. Nicole, thank you for reading this so intentionally and for really seeing the heart of what I was trying to articulate. It can be so challenging to go through something and then years later try to write about it in a way that honors both what it felt like in the moment, but also interpreting through the lens of what I know now that I didn't know then. The fact that you understood what the wrestling feels like means so much. Thank you for being here 🤍
Thank you so much!!! This is so kind 😭 Writing this and choosing to post it on here was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But comments like this mean so, so much. Thank you for being here 🤍
As I read this, I couldn't help thinking that early on you could not have known what you do now--even if it feels like you should have. This is a case where "hindsight seems 20/20" but that's only because of all the things you learned between then and when you finally did leave. I only intend to encourage you--don't be hard on yourself. I didn't know everything then, and it was not naive to stay; it was hopeful, and not living with hope is worse than having hope dashed.
Oh Tabitha, thank you for this whole comment 😭 I could not have said it any better myself. That has been such a hard lesson to learn but I have found so much freedom in exactly what you said...learning to be gentle with myself, telling myself over and over that I didn't know then what I know now. Thank you for putting this so beautifully and tenderly. Thank you for being here, it means so much 🤍
It sounds like you’ve poured your heart and soul into being the best mom possible, even when you are dealing with the complexities of your marriage. We share so much similarities in terms of our stories and situations in life being a single mother I totally understand what you are going through I am sending you so much love ♥️🙏🏼
Aaliya, thank you, thank you 😭😭 I hate that you understood so much of my story, and that you know what it feels like to be a single mom. But your kind words feel like a gentle hug, and it means so much to know that I am not alone. I know you get it 🤍 I can't wait to read your story. Thank you for being here!!
Oh my goodness, it’s like you lived my life (except I left early enough to not have a child yet). The thoughtful gifts and the fun activities together all mingled with knowing he’s got some kind of double life happening on the computer.
Elsa, I am so sorry that you what the feels like. It's the worst kind of pain and confusion. I am really proud of you for leaving. Sending you so much love, you are not alone 🤍
My thought is, as you describe the wonderful actions, the good parts of him, and then the harsh reality that you were living with (which we don't know specifically) must have churned up crazy-making in your emotions and brain!
Meaning, it seems that confidence in your own perceptions and judgments must have felt stretched to the max.
So, so hard.
The best part. That is not where you are any more!
Oh Judy, you so hit the nail on the head with this!!!!!!! It was 100% crazy making emotions in my mind and on every single level. I still struggle to this day with trusting my own perceptions and judgments. But I really really love how you ended this comment. I am not where I am anymore, and that is worth celebrating every single day 🥹🥹 Thank you so, so much for being here!!!! 🤍🤍
It’s often hard to recognize through the pain of it, but you are a person of greater strength and character today due to making it out and making it through such an inconsistent maze.
I am no way defending behavior…. Just don’t give up on men entirely. As an older gent, I CAN say I am embarrassed by the way some 20 & 30 year olds act in public… can’t imagine what twits they are in private. My daughter in law frequently thanks me for raising my son properly so, that’s my 1/2 of my claim to fame
Months after a big, expensive, and showy wedding, my sister found out her new husband had never been divorced his first wife. The next 7 years she fixed the issues (because he refused to) and got him divorced and they remarried in silence and alone. Eventually he left in the dead of night and relocated to another coast for another woman, who, it turned out, didn’t know he was married. All this to say she should have never tried to fix his original bigamy and lies because he never stopped it anyway. She wasted her child-bearing years on a person who never intended to change and didn’t have to.
Thank you so much for sharing this story with me. I am so sorry your sister had to go through what she went through, that sounds really hard. Thanks for taking the time to read!!
Ugh Belle, you are so right. They really do. But YES, I am on the other side and life is really, really beautiful from over here. I wish I could go back and tell myself that there is hope on the other side ❤️🩹❤️🩹
Oh Sandra, I am so sorry that those lines have to resonate with you. It's such an incredibly exhausting and grueling place to be. I am sending you so much love and a hug right back to you!!!!!! Thank you for being here, it means so much 🤍
Whew I just wrote about this myself! It felt so good for me to tell even a part of it. I hope this was freeing for you! And I’m sorry you are also a part of this club. Narcissistic abuse is cyclic. And the good times are what keep you hoping that the bad times won’t recur. There’s so much that people don’t understand about this kind of abusive relationship. I’m so glad to see others bringing awareness to it. ❤️
Oh friend, I am so, so sorry that you know what this feels like. The abuse is absolutely cyclical and messes with you on so many levels. I'm so glad I'm not alone though, and yes, writing my story has been so freeing. I would really love to read yours, if you would like to send a link to the article you wrote 🤍🤍 Sending you so much love!!!
I would love that! I have so many stories I’m wanting to tell at once on my Substack. My notes cycle through bits and pieces of those stories mixed with my current life. But this post is my “hero” post, the “highlight reel” I created to help others connect with me on whatever level they want/need to. It includes part of my life with my ex. Thank you for being so willing to support my work!💜Sending you the link in Messages!
I related to so many parts of your story. I am pretty confident my most recent ex is a covert narcissist. I think they’re more dangerous than traditional narcissists because the narcissism isn’t obvious. And my ex came off as a genuinely good guy to everyone, myself included. He was so cruel at the end when he dumped me out of the blue *via text message* after two years together. He already had his next girlfriend lined up before dumping me. He even asked her out just hours after breaking up with me.
Thankfully for her, she saw the signs after 3 months and ended it before he could destroy her like he’s done to all his exes.
Thank you for sharing. I look forward to reading more parts!
Oh friend, I am so, so sorry for what you have gone through. You deserved better 💔 I am sending you so much love. Thank you for sharing your story with me. And thank you so much for being here 🤍
I hear people say all the time, "Why doesn't she just leave?" when they talk about toxic relationships and you've identified one of the most important factors: it wasn't all bad. He had a good side. That's what makes it so difficult. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you so, so much Melissa. That is exactly it. That's what makes it so confusing. Thank you for being here and for reading, it means so much 🤍
I can’t imagine what it’s like to relive all of this by sharing it with us, thank you for being brave & vulnerable. The way you write is PALPABLE.
Thank you so much Brigitte 🤍🤍🤍
Deborah, one of the most heartbreaking aspects of this piece is that it captures how rarely these moments feel clear while we are living them. Looking back, the impulse is often to ask, "Why didn't I leave?" Yet the story itself answers that question. Hope, love, fear, loyalty, forgiveness, and the desire to believe someone can change are powerful forces, especially when they are intertwined. I was also struck by your willingness to wrestle with the complexity of the memories that followed. The question is not simply whether there was deception, but how to make sense of moments that felt genuine alongside truths that were not. Thank you for telling this part of your story with such honesty. I suspect many readers will recognize pieces of their own experience in the tension you describe.
Rev. Kevin, thank you so much for this incredibly kind and thoughtful comment, and for taking the time to read my story. It means so much. This especially resonated with me: "Hope, love, fear, loyalty, forgiveness, and the desire to believe someone can change are powerful forces, especially when they are intertwined." Thank you for seeing the heart of my story.
Deborah, I appreciate that. One reason the story feels so relatable is that people often judge past decisions using information they only gained later. In the moment, they are making sense of a relationship through the mixture of experiences, hopes, and evidence available to them at the time. That is why these stories are rarely about a single choice; they are about the tension between what we know, what we fear, and what we still hope might be true. Thank you again for writing with such honesty and nuance about a subject that is often reduced to much simpler explanations.
This shows exactly how the trap closes... the first breach, the denial, the apology loop, and the choice to stay because leaving felt scarier than staying. The scan back and forth between the model husband father image and the question of whether it was all a script is the confusion that keeps people stuck. That moment where she screams at her 21-year-old self to leave but stays is gutting.
Oh Dr. Nicole, thank you for reading this so intentionally and for really seeing the heart of what I was trying to articulate. It can be so challenging to go through something and then years later try to write about it in a way that honors both what it felt like in the moment, but also interpreting through the lens of what I know now that I didn't know then. The fact that you understood what the wrestling feels like means so much. Thank you for being here 🤍
Dr. Nicole, it seems that this wording hits the mark perfectly. "Whether it was all a script is the confusion that keeps people stuck."
You are an incrediable writer.
Thank you so much!!! This is so kind 😭 Writing this and choosing to post it on here was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But comments like this mean so, so much. Thank you for being here 🤍
She is, isn’t she?
As I read this, I couldn't help thinking that early on you could not have known what you do now--even if it feels like you should have. This is a case where "hindsight seems 20/20" but that's only because of all the things you learned between then and when you finally did leave. I only intend to encourage you--don't be hard on yourself. I didn't know everything then, and it was not naive to stay; it was hopeful, and not living with hope is worse than having hope dashed.
Oh Tabitha, thank you for this whole comment 😭 I could not have said it any better myself. That has been such a hard lesson to learn but I have found so much freedom in exactly what you said...learning to be gentle with myself, telling myself over and over that I didn't know then what I know now. Thank you for putting this so beautifully and tenderly. Thank you for being here, it means so much 🤍
It sounds like you’ve poured your heart and soul into being the best mom possible, even when you are dealing with the complexities of your marriage. We share so much similarities in terms of our stories and situations in life being a single mother I totally understand what you are going through I am sending you so much love ♥️🙏🏼
Aaliya, thank you, thank you 😭😭 I hate that you understood so much of my story, and that you know what it feels like to be a single mom. But your kind words feel like a gentle hug, and it means so much to know that I am not alone. I know you get it 🤍 I can't wait to read your story. Thank you for being here!!
Oh my goodness, it’s like you lived my life (except I left early enough to not have a child yet). The thoughtful gifts and the fun activities together all mingled with knowing he’s got some kind of double life happening on the computer.
Elsa, I am so sorry that you what the feels like. It's the worst kind of pain and confusion. I am really proud of you for leaving. Sending you so much love, you are not alone 🤍
Thank you SO SO much I needed the encouragement right now. It was only 2 months ago that I left. 💛
My thought is, as you describe the wonderful actions, the good parts of him, and then the harsh reality that you were living with (which we don't know specifically) must have churned up crazy-making in your emotions and brain!
Meaning, it seems that confidence in your own perceptions and judgments must have felt stretched to the max.
So, so hard.
The best part. That is not where you are any more!
Oh Judy, you so hit the nail on the head with this!!!!!!! It was 100% crazy making emotions in my mind and on every single level. I still struggle to this day with trusting my own perceptions and judgments. But I really really love how you ended this comment. I am not where I am anymore, and that is worth celebrating every single day 🥹🥹 Thank you so, so much for being here!!!! 🤍🤍
It’s often hard to recognize through the pain of it, but you are a person of greater strength and character today due to making it out and making it through such an inconsistent maze.
Sorry you were treated that way. Men aren’t all shit.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read!
I am no way defending behavior…. Just don’t give up on men entirely. As an older gent, I CAN say I am embarrassed by the way some 20 & 30 year olds act in public… can’t imagine what twits they are in private. My daughter in law frequently thanks me for raising my son properly so, that’s my 1/2 of my claim to fame
Months after a big, expensive, and showy wedding, my sister found out her new husband had never been divorced his first wife. The next 7 years she fixed the issues (because he refused to) and got him divorced and they remarried in silence and alone. Eventually he left in the dead of night and relocated to another coast for another woman, who, it turned out, didn’t know he was married. All this to say she should have never tried to fix his original bigamy and lies because he never stopped it anyway. She wasted her child-bearing years on a person who never intended to change and didn’t have to.
Thank you so much for sharing this story with me. I am so sorry your sister had to go through what she went through, that sounds really hard. Thanks for taking the time to read!!
Narcissits sure do know how to play the game right! So sorry you had to live thru this, but glad you are on the other side❤️
Ugh Belle, you are so right. They really do. But YES, I am on the other side and life is really, really beautiful from over here. I wish I could go back and tell myself that there is hope on the other side ❤️🩹❤️🩹
No need to want to go back… gather your lesson and be 10x’s better because of it💪🏼💃🏻! So happy for you!
two sentences stood out for me.
I should have left then.
how to know if it was all lies.
Knowing exactly how both of these feel, and sending you a hug as you tell your story.
Oh Sandra, I am so sorry that those lines have to resonate with you. It's such an incredibly exhausting and grueling place to be. I am sending you so much love and a hug right back to you!!!!!! Thank you for being here, it means so much 🤍
it's a bad place to have good company xo
Whew I just wrote about this myself! It felt so good for me to tell even a part of it. I hope this was freeing for you! And I’m sorry you are also a part of this club. Narcissistic abuse is cyclic. And the good times are what keep you hoping that the bad times won’t recur. There’s so much that people don’t understand about this kind of abusive relationship. I’m so glad to see others bringing awareness to it. ❤️
Oh friend, I am so, so sorry that you know what this feels like. The abuse is absolutely cyclical and messes with you on so many levels. I'm so glad I'm not alone though, and yes, writing my story has been so freeing. I would really love to read yours, if you would like to send a link to the article you wrote 🤍🤍 Sending you so much love!!!
I would love that! I have so many stories I’m wanting to tell at once on my Substack. My notes cycle through bits and pieces of those stories mixed with my current life. But this post is my “hero” post, the “highlight reel” I created to help others connect with me on whatever level they want/need to. It includes part of my life with my ex. Thank you for being so willing to support my work!💜Sending you the link in Messages!
I related to so many parts of your story. I am pretty confident my most recent ex is a covert narcissist. I think they’re more dangerous than traditional narcissists because the narcissism isn’t obvious. And my ex came off as a genuinely good guy to everyone, myself included. He was so cruel at the end when he dumped me out of the blue *via text message* after two years together. He already had his next girlfriend lined up before dumping me. He even asked her out just hours after breaking up with me.
Thankfully for her, she saw the signs after 3 months and ended it before he could destroy her like he’s done to all his exes.
Thank you for sharing. I look forward to reading more parts!
Oh friend, I am so, so sorry for what you have gone through. You deserved better 💔 I am sending you so much love. Thank you for sharing your story with me. And thank you so much for being here 🤍
god the end of this one enrages me. i’m in it.
💔❤️🩹 Sending you so much love ❤️🩹